Elicits an Emotional Response: Weightroom Fixtures

Subgenres of weightroom regulars that elicit some sort of emotional response:

1)The dude with the army crewcut banging out his 50th handstand pushup.

2)Christian bodybuilders sporting shredded and possibly bloodied, "God is a weightlifter" or "Let Jesus do the work" shirts. I've conquered my fear and befriended several of them but still.

3)Wizened older gents who hyperextend everything they can in an effort to lift 100 more pounds than they should.

4)Red headed beast chicks who can out squat me by greater than 100 pounds.

5)Those attached to huge pulsating forehead veins. Vein must be raised from forehead by at least a pencil's width to qualify.

6)The perfectly spheroid angry guy who swears at me under his breath because I'm doing lunges on the walking track. Lunging is walking you rotund bastard and either way, it's a freakin' three lane track.

Survey Results

A midget on fire is:
45% Hilarious
29% Appalling
14% A Poignant Commentary on the Human Condition
7% Arousing
5% Ironic

If you were featured in a news headline defending your family from an armed intruder, you would like to be quoted as subduing him with:
40% A hand-crank egg beater
33% A match and mouthful of Bacardi 151
6% A Macintosh Mighty Mouse
5% A vinyl of Led Zeppelin IV

If you could make one automotive annoyance an offense punishable by public flogging you would choose:
40% Driving slowly in the left lane
29% Rubbernecking
24% Any unacceptable action performed while on the cell phone
7% Putting on your turn signal after you've begun your turn

If you sat down at your favorite restaurant to find the entree of the day is a Human Heart kabob, you would:
36% Ignore it but stay
26% Get One
19% Reverse psychology your date into getting one and try his/hers
19% Leave immediately, notifying the authorities

You would rather extremely talented at:
71% Parkour / General Ninjistics
19% Breakdancing
10% Flatland Skateboarding

You find being Rickrolled:
51% Still Pretty Funny
39% Meh
5% Orgasmic
5% Vomit Inducing

For the zombie uprising you'd prefer to dish out a plethora of zombie ass-kicking with the following armament (assume a surplus of ammunition although reload time must be considered):
43% Assault Rifle w/under barrel grenade launcher
29% Dual Katanas
17% Automatic Shotgun
12% Flamethrower

Most important to producing quality art is:
36% A cornucopia of drugs
33% A cacophony of unfulfilled deviant sexual desires
31% A chasm of emotional pain

Have you ever pulled, or had pulled on you, a sexual move deviant enough to have mention in urban dictionary?
60% No
40% Yes

If you could live the life of one of these fictional characters, you would choose:
39% Aragorn("Lord of the Rings")
24% Harry Potter ("Harry Potter")
20% Wolverine("X-Men"
17% Link("The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time")

You Consider Golf:
36% A hobby
29% A waste of 4 hours
24% A lawn game for people with big lawns
12% A sport

After years of intense martial arts training, an epic pursuit and a climactic duel, you celebrate decapitating your nemesis with:
50% A nearly imperceptible wry smile
21% An "into the sunset" slow motion stroll
12% A fist pump
12% A puerile pop-culture exclamation ("Fuck Yo Couch!", "How you like them Apples?", etc.).
5% The hammer walk

Soccer (Futbol) is:
33% The pinnacle of human athleticism. Seven miles per game with minimal subs is no joke
26% Cinematographic. Bicycle kicks anyone?
24% Unamerican. Tie game are for communists
17% Asinine. Let's take our best evolutionary advantage, the opposable thumb, and make its use a penalty.

Based purely on cinematographic beauty, the sport you'd most like to watch in the matrix would be:
45% Ultimate
21% Jai Alai
19% Soccer
10% Tennis
5% Football

The invention you're most excited for is:
64% Teleportation
21% Effective space colonization
10% A matter recombiner
5% Virtual reality video games

The purpose of your general fitness routine is to:
57% Justify all the burgers, beer, and bud.
21% Procure as much sexy time as possible
21% Destroy others with athletic prowess

This world would be a much happier place without:
36% Scientology
21% Vegans
17% Pants
10% Kanye West
10% Icky Bugs
7% Milwaukee's Best

The TV show "Sex in the City" tells women it's okay to be hormonal, irrational, have low-self esteem and act a little crazy on occasion. You believe:
66% Women need that assurance. Thinking one is crazy when it's not okay to act crazy makes one more crazy, inviting a downward spiral of crazy
34% This is bad, Crazy should not be encouraged.

notes: This question was intended to serve more as a veiled gender counter, figuring that any self respecting male surveyee would take advantage of an opportunity to bash Sex and the City while the women would stand up for the glamorization of empowered feminine crazy. This assumption however, after querying a few individuals, turned out to be entirely false so I now consider it merely a poignant commentary on gender differences.

Resurrection

Obligatory resurrection excitement post and witty but sincere apology for not posting for an extended period of time.

Survey for the Discerning

With the academic hours long, and the days progressively shorter, I find myself on the introspective side of my general mood cycle. With the proverbial lens turned inward, several questions have surfaced for which I find myself unable to provide an effective answer. And so, I post them to all those willing to lend me their minds and hearts in assistance and able to help me overcome several philosophical hurdles that on tackled on my own, have proven onerous and emotionally draining.

http://www.zoomerang.com/Survey/?p=WEB229P2TFC6TY

Results to be posted here at a later time.

You wouldn't bang a zombie so...

Zombies do not inspire sexual stirrings. They are rather frigid, both emotionally and physically, and their miasmatic aroma reminds me of a McDonald's dumpster in August. Furthermore, their undeadness on its own certainly drives me to abstinence, not to mention that any sexual contact will probably lead to my becoming zombified as well, and I'm pretty sure a 1000th of an inch thick piece of latex will not protect me from supernatural pathogens. That being said, why in god's name does our country seem to currently be sporting a massively triumphant boner for vampires?

My roommate sat me down the other day in front of "True Blood". Now, to get the record straight, I'm a huge fan of all supernatural, fantasy, sci-fi goodness and the vampire theme is most definitely included in things I will watch on principle. What I wasn't ready for was the egregious banging that happened within five minutes of my sitting down. We're not talking surreptitious PG-13 suggestive love making here, more so in the line of uncannily canine custom copulation, complete with Anna Paquin's (Rogue from "X-men") swinging boobs shown from all angles, plenty of mid to high volume grunting, and very little requiring imagination extrapolations.

Now call it my conservative upbringing, but vampires are not for sexing. Any sexual call one may feel towards a vampire is the vampire employing a succubus-esque power in order to engage in some serious blood/soul chugging. I understand Kate Beckensale looks great in black leather and am not advocating her donning a form hiding cape instead, but shouldn't human/vampire copulation seem intrinsically wrong to both parties? To make it worse, "Twlight" totally bastardized the vampire of any of their negative qualities leaving evampireated deer-blood drinkers that scintillate when they lie shirtless in a sun-washed meadow. The legendary duality of night and day has been replaced by soft-core porn and shiny teenage dreamboats targeted at 13 year old girls.

Don't get me wrong, I'll still gladly watch any supernatural show available but somebody most definitely needs to tell Stephanie Meyer that vampires do not play baseball. Twilight, in my humble opinion needs fewer shots of Edward Cullen's resplendent chest, and more decapitation. Is Blade doing freelance consulting work by any chance?

Lollapalooza goals

Endless years of schooling have instilled me with a need to always be prepared before sitting in on any symposium. This includes foreknowledge on the presenter's topic and a basic understanding of the presenter's past work. Since most of my work seats me before a computer screen, I am free to study up a prestigious symposium I plan on attending next weekend: Lollapalooza.

As any who looks at the schedule can easily deduce, the conference is rife with a plethora of solid bands. Many of them fall into that eclectic Indy up-and-coming category, which means that prior knowledge of them is based purely on the musical diversity (and snobbery) of those you choose to surround yourself with. I've been forced to do homework on many of the 2nd tier bands playing and have discovered scintillating musical gems in the mix. These I proudly offer for your enjoyment, as well as several popular tracks I'm excited to see.

Arctic Monkeys - Dancing Shoes
Band of Horses - The Funeral
Bat for Lashes - Daniel
Cold War Kids - I've Seen Enough
Of Montreal - Heimdalsgate Like a Promethean Curse
Rise Against - Prayer of the Refugee
Silversun Pickups - Panic Switch
Vampire Weekend - A-Punk

Call Up The OED.

Nobangtionship - [no - bang - shuhn - ship] - NOUN
A very specific relationship stalemate between two friends. One member appreciates the relationship as a close, personal, and immensely fulfilling platonic friendship, with no romantic desires of any kind. This member feels threatened whenever any potential mate approaches the other member, even going so far as to sabotage the other member's advances towards any outside party. Conversely, the other member would like nothing more than to engage in some seriously savage slamming with the first member ASAP.

"Hey girl, are you and Brett dating."
"EW no! He's like a brother and such a good listener. I feel like I can tell him anything."

"Yo Brett that girl's hot, are you banging?"
"I fucking wish dude, I'm so sick of listening to her shit with zero bang-a-rang to show for it. I'm stuck in a decidedly unbonerific nobangtionship."


Unfind - [uhn - fahynd] - VERB
The loss of an item previously procured in one's morning ritual while searching for another item.

"Sorry I'm late, I keep unfinding my keys. I had 'em but after spending 10 minutes searching for my damn laser pointer, I put my keys down in the confusion and lost 'em again. I even managed to unfind my padded helmet somewhere in the mix.


Procrasductive - [proh - kras - dukh - tiv] - NOUN
A state characterized by procrastination from what is unarguably one's highest priority by being immensely productive in other ways.

"You were being procrasductive again."
"I went grocery shopping, bought a new waterbed, read all of 'Atlas Shrugged', and taught little Jimmy how to balance his checkbook."
"You were supposed to take Muffin to the vet."
"But Muffin hates the vet, chinchillas have feelings too."
"Muffin has Ebola, we'll all be bleeding from the eyeballs by tomorrow evening."