Zombies do not inspire sexual stirrings. They are rather frigid, both emotionally and physically, and their miasmatic aroma reminds me of a McDonald's dumpster in August. Furthermore, their undeadness on its own certainly drives me to abstinence, not to mention that any sexual contact will probably lead to my becoming zombified as well, and I'm pretty sure a 1000th of an inch thick piece of latex will not protect me from supernatural pathogens. That being said, why in god's name does our country seem to currently be sporting a massively triumphant boner for vampires?
My roommate sat me down the other day in front of "True Blood". Now, to get the record straight, I'm a huge fan of all supernatural, fantasy, sci-fi goodness and the vampire theme is most definitely included in things I will watch on principle. What I wasn't ready for was the egregious banging that happened within five minutes of my sitting down. We're not talking surreptitious PG-13 suggestive love making here, more so in the line of uncannily canine custom copulation, complete with Anna Paquin's (Rogue from "X-men") swinging boobs shown from all angles, plenty of mid to high volume grunting, and very little requiring imagination extrapolations.
Now call it my conservative upbringing, but vampires are not for sexing. Any sexual call one may feel towards a vampire is the vampire employing a succubus-esque power in order to engage in some serious blood/soul chugging. I understand Kate Beckensale looks great in black leather and am not advocating her donning a form hiding cape instead, but shouldn't human/vampire copulation seem intrinsically wrong to both parties? To make it worse, "Twlight" totally bastardized the vampire of any of their negative qualities leaving evampireated deer-blood drinkers that scintillate when they lie shirtless in a sun-washed meadow. The legendary duality of night and day has been replaced by soft-core porn and shiny teenage dreamboats targeted at 13 year old girls.
Don't get me wrong, I'll still gladly watch any supernatural show available but somebody most definitely needs to tell Stephanie Meyer that vampires do not play baseball. Twilight, in my humble opinion needs fewer shots of Edward Cullen's resplendent chest, and more decapitation. Is Blade doing freelance consulting work by any chance?
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