Survey Results

A midget on fire is:
45% Hilarious
29% Appalling
14% A Poignant Commentary on the Human Condition
7% Arousing
5% Ironic

If you were featured in a news headline defending your family from an armed intruder, you would like to be quoted as subduing him with:
40% A hand-crank egg beater
33% A match and mouthful of Bacardi 151
6% A Macintosh Mighty Mouse
5% A vinyl of Led Zeppelin IV

If you could make one automotive annoyance an offense punishable by public flogging you would choose:
40% Driving slowly in the left lane
29% Rubbernecking
24% Any unacceptable action performed while on the cell phone
7% Putting on your turn signal after you've begun your turn

If you sat down at your favorite restaurant to find the entree of the day is a Human Heart kabob, you would:
36% Ignore it but stay
26% Get One
19% Reverse psychology your date into getting one and try his/hers
19% Leave immediately, notifying the authorities

You would rather extremely talented at:
71% Parkour / General Ninjistics
19% Breakdancing
10% Flatland Skateboarding

You find being Rickrolled:
51% Still Pretty Funny
39% Meh
5% Orgasmic
5% Vomit Inducing

For the zombie uprising you'd prefer to dish out a plethora of zombie ass-kicking with the following armament (assume a surplus of ammunition although reload time must be considered):
43% Assault Rifle w/under barrel grenade launcher
29% Dual Katanas
17% Automatic Shotgun
12% Flamethrower

Most important to producing quality art is:
36% A cornucopia of drugs
33% A cacophony of unfulfilled deviant sexual desires
31% A chasm of emotional pain

Have you ever pulled, or had pulled on you, a sexual move deviant enough to have mention in urban dictionary?
60% No
40% Yes

If you could live the life of one of these fictional characters, you would choose:
39% Aragorn("Lord of the Rings")
24% Harry Potter ("Harry Potter")
20% Wolverine("X-Men"
17% Link("The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time")

You Consider Golf:
36% A hobby
29% A waste of 4 hours
24% A lawn game for people with big lawns
12% A sport

After years of intense martial arts training, an epic pursuit and a climactic duel, you celebrate decapitating your nemesis with:
50% A nearly imperceptible wry smile
21% An "into the sunset" slow motion stroll
12% A fist pump
12% A puerile pop-culture exclamation ("Fuck Yo Couch!", "How you like them Apples?", etc.).
5% The hammer walk

Soccer (Futbol) is:
33% The pinnacle of human athleticism. Seven miles per game with minimal subs is no joke
26% Cinematographic. Bicycle kicks anyone?
24% Unamerican. Tie game are for communists
17% Asinine. Let's take our best evolutionary advantage, the opposable thumb, and make its use a penalty.

Based purely on cinematographic beauty, the sport you'd most like to watch in the matrix would be:
45% Ultimate
21% Jai Alai
19% Soccer
10% Tennis
5% Football

The invention you're most excited for is:
64% Teleportation
21% Effective space colonization
10% A matter recombiner
5% Virtual reality video games

The purpose of your general fitness routine is to:
57% Justify all the burgers, beer, and bud.
21% Procure as much sexy time as possible
21% Destroy others with athletic prowess

This world would be a much happier place without:
36% Scientology
21% Vegans
17% Pants
10% Kanye West
10% Icky Bugs
7% Milwaukee's Best

The TV show "Sex in the City" tells women it's okay to be hormonal, irrational, have low-self esteem and act a little crazy on occasion. You believe:
66% Women need that assurance. Thinking one is crazy when it's not okay to act crazy makes one more crazy, inviting a downward spiral of crazy
34% This is bad, Crazy should not be encouraged.

notes: This question was intended to serve more as a veiled gender counter, figuring that any self respecting male surveyee would take advantage of an opportunity to bash Sex and the City while the women would stand up for the glamorization of empowered feminine crazy. This assumption however, after querying a few individuals, turned out to be entirely false so I now consider it merely a poignant commentary on gender differences.